Over the past few years, I have grieved the loss of the body I had… before my chronic illness took so much from me. I have grieved the loss of the person I was. The one that could forge ahead with my type A personality, lose weight on command, cycle at 16 mph, push myself beyond limits because I was in control. The loss of my ability to control my body has been difficult. It changed my life at work, and at home. It’s been humbling, and it has resulted in periods of sorrow and increased depression. I have spent many a morning looking in the mirror telling myself and telling my body that I hate it.
Today, I realize that although my body is no longer able to perform as it has in the past, I am doing myself and my body an injustice by saying I hate it. Although my chronic illness took so much from me, I now see how much it has given me. I no longer work 24 x 7 – because I can’t. As a result, I have more time to be with my family, and I have more time to experience life, to truly appreciate the life God has given me. I have time to ‘be there’ for other people too. I have time to learn more than how to be better at my job.
Today I realize that although I can’t lose weight on command, I have slowly over the past 3 years, been able to build up my stamina to once again go for walks and even hike! I realize I actually love my body. In spite of all we have gone through together; i.e.my abusive starvation dieting, my alcoholic consumption in my 30’s, my obsessive workouts when I was younger…. in spite of all that – I can still do this. With the help of a walking stick to compensate for the weakness in my left leg – I was able to hike in Lake Tahoe – up a mountain, to this beautiful spot. To enjoy nature, with my family. To enjoy what God has given us in this world.
Today I realize, although I’m not a size 8, although I will probably never be a size 8 again, although I can no longer do everything on a whim…. I can still find joy in what I can do.
Today I realize that I do appreciate my body for the fact that I am still here, and able to do what I can.
~ debbie
