Is That All There Is? Originally published September 1, 2014

But wait!  What is that niggling in the back of my brain? No! I won’t let that voice speak!  I’m going to just keep working so I can keep getting cool things.  My first priority in life was to go to school and get a job that would enable me to give my kids all the stuff that I did not have when I was growing up.  Priority accomplished!

But wait! Why am I not smiling? Why am I NOT happy?!  I thought going to school and getting a good paying job was what I was supposed to do to be happy.  Is it because….?  No……  Don’t finish that thought….. just keep working…..

Fast forward 10 years.  It’s now around 2005.  All I know now is work, chores, errands and obligations.  I’m so busy doing all the things I ‘have’ to do that I don’t have time to play with my kids or be with my family, in a seriously relational way.  The end result, I don’t know that much  about my family right now, other than the high level/obvious information – that falls into the obligation category.  I don’t know much about me anymore either.  I do know, however, that my body is in pain, I’m having a tough time standing and I’m exhausted by 1pm.  When did this all start, and why?

Although I don’t remember when the pain, discomfort and physical limitations kicked into high gear, I realize I have experienced some type of pain off and on my entire life.   But now, in 2005, it has turned into debilitating pain, discomfort and exhaustion.  I start to wonder what is wrong with me and is this really what my life is all about?!  I work full time, care for my family as much as possible, which is very little, because I am so tired at the end of the day that I barely make it through dinner.  After dinner I crawl upstairs and go to bed.   My husband is now taking care of all the after work chores.  My life has morphed into working full time, which translates into 50+ hours per week, followed by just barely getting home and crawling into bed, in order to ‘rest’ so that I can start it all over again tomorrow.  My life purpose is to work to bring home a paycheck to help provide financial security for my family.  But what defines enough money for financial security?  Is this really all there is to my life?  I’m not having any fun, I don’t even know what I would do for fun.  I have an occasional vacation, or trip to an amusement park, but with that comes an equal amount of work, which is surrounded by my constant concerns about my job.  I don’t take a day off without checking emails and making sure things are functioning as needed in my absence.  I want to do a good job, and I worry that I will get in trouble if I don’t do everything as expected.  I have the belief that failure will result in a lower performance evaluation, which will result in less money.  I am also concerned that failure will result in ridicule and public humiliation.  I am not mentally prepared to handle either of these scenarios at this time.  So am I living the dream?  I have a ‘good’ job, I make ‘good’ money, I provide for my family.   Is this ALL my life is? At work I support my Management, my team, my peers and coworkers. At home I support my family and I am trying to support my friends. My life has become so difficult for me, my future is grim.  What IS that voice in the back of my mind, the one that I have kept locked up for so many years, trying to tell me?  As I unlock the box, I hear the words, ”No Debbie! Life is supposed to be so much more than what you currently have!  You are scared right now Debbie, money is what you think is the most important key to happiness, but let’s start to consider the possibility, just the possibility, that money and the traditional definition of success are NOT the keys to true happiness and joy. ….. just maybe.’

I started to ponder.  If I didn’t work all the time, at a job that was increasingly difficult for me, then I wouldn’t feel constant stress!  The continuous weight on my shoulders to do more for everyone at work (bosses, coworkers, employees), in addition to the pressure I put upon myself to be a better wife mother and friend, was really becoming more than I could handle.  It would be great if at least the pressure from work would be gone.  That  would really help improve my quality of life, right?  I think it would, but I am not going to make any drastic changes to my career. My kids are 10, 10 and 11 and I am not about to put their financial security, and happiness at risk for my own selfish needs.  And so I continue.

It’s appropriate for me to mention here, that I am a people pleaser. I tend to go out of my way to do what others want, because I have this belief that what they want is what they need in order to be happy.  For many reasons, which we’ll get into at another time, I felt if I could help others achieve their happiness, there would be a sense of calm in my world, and then I to could and would be happy too.  Unfortunately, as you may suspect, I was unable to make everyone I encountered in 2005 (or anytime for that matter) happy.  There were not enough hours in the day to complete all the things people needed me to do, in order for them to be satisfied with my efforts in regards to their requests. I physically and mentally collapsed.  I was no longer able to put forth additional effort to keep up with the demands of work in conjunction with the demands of caring for my home, my family and my friends.  My brain could no longer function, my memory failed me and my body exhibited additional signs of complete exhaustion.  I did not know what to do, I had never experienced such physical limitations before. I was alarmed. I trudged along, choosing work over home and family, and ultimately choosing my obligations over my own well being. I believed if I worked hard, made money, and did what others wanted me to do, that the rest would fall into place and I would eventually have time for me. Unfortunately, that did not happen.

Instead, the gradual and continued shut down of my body, identified by a consistent increase in nervous system and autoimmune disorders, helped me realize that I had not taken care of myself for years.  Gosh, when was the last time I did what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it?  Did I ever do that, at any point in my life?

It’s important to know that I am not blaming others.  I made my own choices. I realize now that I didn’t / couldn’t say ’no’ to people. I did not know how to say ’no’ without caring that someone might get upset with me for not doing what they wanted me to do.  Remember, I wanted everyone to be happy and if my actions could help them be happy, and result in them not being displeased with me, then I would do what they asked of me. Then I started to realize, that the people I was trying to help, were never really satisfied. Once one ’need’ was fulfilled, they would have another and another and another.  Were they ever going to really be happy, or were they happy basking in their unhappiness and desire to have me do more for them each day?  I finally realized that even though I was giving everyone all that I had, they continued to want more and I had no more to give.

Fast forward to 2012. I am depleted.  after 7+ years of running on empty I really have no more to give. I have worked hard, tried to be everything everyone needed and wanted me to be, and I don’t know how to do or give any more.  I’m like a sponge that has been left out of water on the desert.  Completely dry with no water supply available to re-energize and reshape myself.

Just about this time, an opportunity presented itself at work for promotion. To make a long story short, I did not get the job.  I knew our organization was looking for an external candidate to fill the position, but it was still difficult for me to be acknowledge that I had been bypassed, because I worked hard and would have appreciated the recognition for a job well done.  Please know though, that I was not bitter.  I had actually asked God to put me on the appropriate path for my life, and I believed He had done just that.  I would not be here writing this today, if I had gotten that promotion.

The person our organization hired for the position, became my new boss.   Due to ongoing organizational changes, this resulted in me gaining a new boss, new team, and new customers – all within 6 months of one another. Ultimately, a new group of people to make happy and more new things to learn.  I just couldn’t do it anymore, I couldn’t keep up. It became too much too fast, and I crashed.  This time I crashed much worse than before. My previous crash was primarily physical with some impacts to my memory, and my ability to get and stay organized.  This time, I couldn’t even figure out how to start my day, or what I would work on that day. I was beyond overwhelmed and beyond exhausted. In addition, my body was in pain; constant, intense pain. My head, neck, shoulders, back, legs, feet, heart – all in pain.  I was also losing feeling in my extremities and was experiencing issues with my balance and walking. I also started to experience involuntary twitches and muscle movements.  I thought to myself, is this what people feel like when they are 80?  I was only 49 and I wasn’t sure I wanted to see 80, if it was going to mean 30+ years of this, or worse. So I began yet another quest to determine the cause and diagnosis of my latest set of health issues.  It was a very difficult time for me.  Was this what my life had become?  Worse than before. Working and sleeping, working and sleeping, and this time the pain was unbearable. What an empty meaningless existence.

I would eventually be told, that one of my most recent health issues is call Small Fiber Neuropathy. On one hand, I was thrilled to put a name to the cause of my physical distress.  On the other, I experienced additional symptoms that were not yet diagnosed.   Neurological issues are difficult to diagnose. If they don’t present in a certain specific way – we don’t get to put a diagnosis with the symptoms.  I wondered, do I just have to be patient and wait for my symptoms to continue to get worse?  Well what the heck, when did I / when will I do the things I want to do in life?

Remember how I did not get the promotion I pursued?  I mentioned I had asked God, on more than one occasion, to put me on the path I was meant to be on. I believed that by not getting that job, God did just that.  I believe God chose this opportunity to nudge me in the proper direction. Although in 2012 I was not sure what my next step would be, I knew it wasn’t no longer going to be moving up the Corporate ladder.  I decided being bypassed for the promotion, coupled with my continuously failing health was a wake up call.  After much angst, I stepped down from my role as Manager, and began the journey to heal myself and find my own true happiness. Although I was not sure what I should do next, I felt that I had taken the first step in the right direction, by stepping down from Management.  As it turns out, I would doubt my decision for about 8 to 10 months, but then one day, I realized, as I walked through the maze of cubes at work, that I was happy with myself, happy with my new role at work and with the increased time I now had to take care of myself.  The more I took care of myself, the more I was once again able to happily help others, without causing myself further discomfort.  I finally learned how to say ’no’.  I realized that the people who really cared about me understood why I said ’no’, and I no longer worried about those that did not care enough about me to understand.

It’s now September of 2014, and as I continue on my journey of self healing I ask for additional signs from God and from the universe, to help keep me moving in the right direction.  In stepping down from Manager, I relinquished at least some of the money that I have felt so compelled to hold onto. This was a big step in the right direction for me.  I’m finally not afraid to exchange money for my true happiness. I’m not suggesting everyone should feel this way, I’m simply saying this is now how I feel and that figuring out what is truly important for me is enabling me to create the life I want to live, a life that is starting to bring me joy and comfort. I realize that things did not bring me happiness. The people, the relationships, the time spent enjoying each other, that is what makes me happy.  My goal is to determine what I need in order to live comfortably, and then to downsize appropriately.  Fortunately my husband is a bit of a minimalist, so this will work just fine for the both of us.

You may be asking yourself, how did the job and the self-induced need to please others exasperate my health issues? Bottom line, my body has been in fight, flight or freeze mode for 20+ years and it began shortly after my children were born. I wanted to be a good employee, good mom, good wife, good daughter, good friend, good to everyone.  I worried about any and all mistakes I made. I had the belief that making mistakes was bad, and that if we make mistakes we are flawed and not worthy of our status and position at work, and at life in general.  It took me a long time to realize the foolishness of my limiting beliefs.  Several rounds of therapy, a couple of really awesome friends, a husband that was willing to grow with me and three resilient children have all helped me get to the place I am today.  The toll, however, on my body for the more than 20+ years that I believed it, was intense.  I was so scared to make a mistake, so worried if I didn’t get everything done perfectly, so obsessed about the negative ramifications of telling someone ’no’, that I was always on high alert.  My body toggled between wanting to fight back in order to create a world filled with justice, to wanting to flee as a result of the panic I felt from my inability to do everything to everyones liking, to being unable to think clearly and function properly.

Please excuse the following technical jargon…..  When our bodies are in fight, flight or freeze mode, our brains amygdala sends a signal to our hypothalamus.  In turn, our hypothalamus notifies our autonomic nervous system.  Our autonomic nervous system is composed of our sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems.  Our sympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for initiating our fight, flight or freeze response, notifies our adrenal glands to distribute epinephrine into our bloodstream.  Fight, flight or freeze response is meant to be a temporary state, engaged to protect us in a life threatening situation. Unfortunately, the fast pace and increased demands of today’s society, can move us into a nearly constant state of fight, fight or freeze. An ongoing and continuous fight, flight or freeze response can negatively impact the proper function of our autonomic nervous system.  Our autonomic nervous system controls organ function, and the things our bodies typically do without us having to think about them, i.e.: breathing, digesting food, regulating heat and cold, blood pressure, blood flow and more.  For your reference, dysautonomia is a term used to categorize physical impacts of a dysfunctional autonomic nervous system.

I have been diagnosed with various dysautonomia’s, and several issues with my small fiber and muscular motor nervous systems. Please know, I am not saying that everyone who suffers from dysautonomia’s or neuropathy are suffering from illnesses that are solely the result of stress.  Not at all.  My family is predisposed to nervous system disorders. I am sure I suffer from some of the same illnesses that both my grandfather and my father endured. I also believe the stress I have placed upon myself as employee, wife, mother, daughter, etc has exasperated my situation.  I am actively working to reduce my stress, and to gain mind/body balance by striving for the proper balance of play, rest and work in my life.  I consider this an experiment on myself.  An experiment to see if my quality of life will continue to improve as I reduce stress and increase balance.  I can tell you that I have been playing with this now since January of 2013, which is when I stepped down from my position as Manager.  I sit here today virtually pain free.  I can walk, hike, clean my house, paint walls, rip out carpet and garden again.  I do these things in moderation, but I can in fact do them once more.  As I learn more about the physical connection between mind and body I have decided to take action, and to do all that I can to actively reduce the stress in my life and increase the balance between play, rest and work.

Does any of my story resonate with you? Are you suffering from physical, mental, or emotional discomfort?  Are you ignoring your inner voice? Have you locked your inner voice in a box because you are afraid of what it has to say? Could your belief be making you ill or causing your illness to be worse?  Could your health improve if you could unlock that box and explore the alternative possibilities your inner voice is trying to tell you about?  Would it hurt to explore an alternative to your current life? Is it possible you could better your life? Even a little?

If so, I invite you to continue to check this blog and my Facebook page Debbie Lancione: Living with Resolve to learn more about me. I also invite you to further investigate the Mind/Body connection.

If you experience physical, mental or emotional pain and discomfort, please know that there is hope for an improved quality of life.  It may take some time and practice, but you can feel physically, mentally and emotionally better as a result of tapping into your own inner voice and wisdom.

What is your mind and body trying to tell you? What is right for you?

ttys,

debbie