I’ve been hesitant to write this blog. I have been afraid of what people will think of me once they read it. I’m primarily concerned with what non-Christians and/or non-believers will think. Will this post effect how my peers and co-workers think of me? Will it result in people thinking I’m just a ‘bit out there’? God makes Himself known to us, in the way He knows will impact us the most.
I know Jesus died on the cross, to pay the debt of our sins. I realize if Jesus was able to do that, I can muster up the courage to publish my testimony, my story of how I came to know God….
My life has been a journey of looking for, finding and falling away from God.
As my daughters, Bethy and Sarah, have worked with me over the past few years, they helped me see that, at some point in my life, a demon attached itself to me.
As I look back, there a several occasions in my life, where I unknowingly invited Satan in. The first, was when I was about 9 years old.
When I was 8, my dad got really sick. He lost his job, we lost our home. We lost the house we lived in, a lot of our stuff, and I lost all my friends. We lived in a motel for about a week, were on food stamps and my grandma gave us money so that we could all eat. We moved to a new city and I had no friends. I was self conscious due to our situation, which included me going to school in polyester garanimals I didn’t know how to effectively make new friends and I was pretty unhappy.
Although I don’t remember the specific circumstances, I do remember thinking something like, if I sell my soul to the devil, would that make my life better. I wondered if that was a real thing and if it was, maybe I should try it. How bad could it be? Then I remember thinking, I hope I really didn’t just do that, cause I didn’t mean it…. did I?
It was around that same time, that I started to experience bouts of depression. I became super worried about doing things to make others happy, because I figured if I made them happy they would like me. When i did something that was clearly displeasing to someone, I would drop into a pool of despair, and thought about how the people in my life would be better off without me. I often thought about killing myself, but was afraid to do it, and afraid of how much it would hurt. I started to wish I would be in an accident that would take my life. I wished I were dead on many occasions between the ages of 9 and 43. You see, as I got older, I could find fault in everything I did… bad wife, bad parent, bad coworker… the list was pretty much endless.
I went from a pretty happy kid to a worried, obsessive compulsive and depressed teenager. I started to do better, feel better, function better once I got to college.
It was near the end of my college career that I once again opened the door for satan. When I was working at the toy store, I fell for a married man. He told me his marriage was already damaged, and I let myself believe him. I should have known better, but I think that act of convincing myself that I wasn’t doing anything wrong, that act of knowingly choosing my pleasure over what was right – left just enough room for satan to come back into my life. I eventually married this guy – and then divorced him almost 5 years later. He had told me early in our marriage that he would have kids, and then he told me later he would not. He also cheated on me.
My heart grew bitter and it was a perfect environment for satan to flourish. I started to see the negative in everyone and I was becoming the exact person I did not want to become. I remember when I started college, seeing negative, angry and bitter people and thinking to myself, I am never going to become that.
Fortunately I met Gregg, and we married. Unfortunately my heart was still bitter. I wanted Gregg to make up for all the pain I had gone through the first half of my life. My expectations on Gregg were ridiculously unrealistic, but I did not know that at the time. I depended on Gregg to make me happy. How selfish and unfair of me. My despair, anger, bitterness grew. It engulfed our home. It wasn’t always bad, but it was bad enough. I am sure it negatively impacted my family as well; but I couldn’t shake it. I literally could see a darkness over our home. I could feel it and sense it moving. It was often frightening.
Gregg could not make me happy, so I inadvertently turned towards my job. My job became the most important thing to me, and I was convinced that was the best thing to do. What would happen if I lost my job? I couldn’t give my family all the stuff that they wanted. I felt I needed to work hard enough to get promotions, and to make more money. My job, and my immediate family became my focal points. Notice God was not in the picture at all.
About 10 years ago, which is about 12 years into my marriage with Gregg – I was in a car accident. I was hit by a semi twice, during morning rush hour traffic in December. I bounced between the semi and the guard rail repeatedly. I finally spun counterclockwise across the 3 lanes of I-271, hit the median and rolled over twice. My car stopped in the median ditch before crossing into oncoming traffic. I am sure I saw Jesus that morning. The light illuminating off of the person who asked to use my cell phone to call 911, was amazing. It radiated from him … orange and yellow turning into a bright white light.
That was my wake up call to change and I believed I walked away from that crash without a scratch, because God had plans for me. I started to look for the positive in life, I started to change.
This accident occurred around the time that my kids were really starting to be effected by the negativity in our home. My kids were misbehaving, especially Emily and Sarah.
Sarah took me to a breaking point. She had gone from a fun loving smiling child, to a secluded, withdrawn teenager. She clearly did not like me at all. Emily spent all her time in her room, and was afraid of interacting with anyone. I think Bethy hid her bitterness from me better than the others. They did not like each other very much either.
One night, I prayed. I sat in our family room. I remember looking at a chair that Sarah often sat in and I prayed to God for help. I told him that I would try really hard to continue to change if he would please please please help Sarah become the woman I knew she could be. That was one of the first times I prayed in a really long time, and I’ve been praying ever since. I started to notice some changes in Sarah – and shortly after the Muller’s moved in next door.
Sarah and Bethy started to learn about God and Grace. They learned that God sacrificed his son Jesus, to die on the cross for us. Jesus’ death on the cross paid the debt for our sins – and all we have to do is accept Jesus into our hearts – and acknowledge what He did for us. It’s amazing. You don’t have to do anything, except believe.
Bethy and Sarah persistently worked with me, over many years- to teach me about Jesus. It was sometimes painful and sometimes gentle. It brought us closer as a family.
I bravely opened up to them about my experiences with good vs evil. I told them I felt like I still had a dark cloud over me, in spite of my belief in God. I told them that I thought our house had a demon attached to it, and they explained to me that demons attach themselves to people, not houses or things. I figured it was attached to someone else, because I believed in Grace, and Jesus, and God and the Holy Spirit.
I didn’t realize I had a demon attached to me. God, however, worked to make sure I would figure it out. A couple of years ago, I went through a period where I believed I could connect with spirits – and I used Angel cards to try to ‘get direction’. I only used them once. The day after I used them, I had a frightening experience with a demon. While laying in bed, I felt a very heaving presence on top of me; weighing me down and smothering me. I woke up, flaying my arms; working hard to push off whatever was on me. I could see nothing in the room, but I am positive it was a demon.
I eventually told Sarah and Bethy about my experience, and they told me that I needed to denounce Satan, and really mean it. I had assured them I had, and that I really believed in Jesus, and God and grace. They repeated themselves and told me that God will always keep me safe, and that I just have to tell the demon that God is with me protecting me. I realized I needed to denounce satan and the demons again and again, until they truly got the message.
Shortly afterwards, I was in the shower praying, and I denounced satan repeatedly, and worshiped God and accepted Jesus into my life. That was about a year ago.
A couple months later, I was on a business trip. I once again had an experience with a demon. I felt it in the bed next to me. I felt the bed move as the demon moved in the bed. I remembered what Sarah and Bethy told me, and I told the demon I knew it could not hurt me, that God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit will protect me. He never touched me that night, but he stayed with me until morning. I saw him in many forms in my dreams, and I just kept telling him he could not harm me, and that I was with Jesus and Jesus was with me.
I accepted Christ about a year ago. My life has changed dramatically. I no longer feel a dark cloud within me. I’ve spent my life pursuing my love life, my kids, my career and false gods hoping they would give me self-worth, significance, happiness. After trying each and seeing each one fail, I realize the only thing to satisfy this hunger for significance has been coming to know the Lord who has taken me in as His daughter. Through that I am trying to share the work of God, the Gospel, and God’s mission with everyone that I can. I know I’m not always successful, but I’m trying to get better at it.
I am more loving towards my family, more accepting, more patient. I am making time for my family and friends, even when I don’t feel well. It’s pretty cool because making time and loving others, actually makes me feel better, when I’m having a physically and mentally challenging day.
I am working to put God first. I try to ask God every morning to help me know what He wants me to do that day. To help me do His will. I am trusting in God, and that is really making my life super easy, because the only thing that matters is doing what God asks me to do. I trust that He has my best interest in mind and that He will guide me in my day to day activity and decisions.
Revelation 12:11: “And they have defeated him by the blood of the Lamb
and by their Testimony.
And they did not love their lives so much,
that they were afraid to die.
Commit to the Lord whatever you do,
and he will establish your plans.
Proverbs 16:3
I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
Philippians 4:13
