It’s probably not. It certainly doesn’t look like it here! It’s tempting to believe it is. Isn’t it? I’ve done it. Have you?
I’ve been in challenging situations in relationships, with my family, friends and coworkers. I’ve struggled at work more times than I can count. I’ve resolved to learn from challenging situations, to figure out how to fix and fully appreciate what I have.
Let’s start with marriage. I’ll refer to my husband as Mr. Wonderful (because he is!). We haven’t always had the awesomely great relationship we have now. Don’t get me wrong, we met, we fell in love, we married. It was all good. We had kids, effective the day before our 1st anniversary. Our eldest is 1 year younger than our marriage. Our premature twins, born at 27 weeks, are a little less than 2 years younger than our marriage. Mr. and Mrs. Wonderful (you can guess who I am right?)…. we both worked full time. We were exhausted, and our kids, like all kids were a handful. We experienced the typical life challenges, or at least our version of life challenges, just like everyone else. We did not know how to deal with it, nor did either of us know how to compromise, accept fault, give in, etc. I bet a lot of this sounds familiar, so i won’t go into gory details. Let’s just say, there were more than several occasions when I thought ‘geez, life would be easier if I were a single parent’. Now I don’t think Mr. Wonderful ever thought that, thankfully. Had both of us felt that way at the same time, we might not still be together today, but here we are – together – and happily together at that!
Instead, I thought it through. I don’t think I knew it at the time – but I took the time to imagine, to picture, to map out, make a road map – of what my life, what my daughters lives would be like if I were a single parent. It felt selfish to walk away. It felt stressful to walk away, and so I stayed. I went to counseling alone, and then we went to counseling together, and then we started to actually listen to each other when we talked. It didn’t happen overnight – HA! No, not at all….. don’t be ridiculous! It was a slow progression. Over the years, however, we started to appreciate each other again; both our awesome qualities and our weaknesses and short comings. It’s been almost 22 years now, and I cannot image being with anyone else. I am proud of our relationship. I am proud that we stuck it out and worked together to make a wonderful life. I am excited to grow older together, and to keep learning from one another. The grass was, in fact, NOT greener on the other side of the fence.
Don’t get me wrong, if someone is in an abusive relationship, or a dangerous situation, or so far under water that the are physically ill, the grass WILL be greener on the other side of the fence. Please don’t think I am suggesting we should never alter our situation. I am not. It’s just that many of us encounter discomfort, and immediately want to jump ship. At least that is how I have been in the past. I wanted to run, as fast as I could, to a better, more enjoyable place. Fortunately, I finally understand what the 80/20 rule means; 80% of a situation (which includes people, places and things) will be good, acceptable, enjoyable, and 20% will not. That 20% may be stressful, exasperating, and exhausting. It may drain your very essence, let’s call it your life force, right out of you. That is the moment you may want to run and hide, to get your ‘do over’, to start something new. The thing is, if you don’t think it through, you forget that the next situation you put yourself in is also going to follow the 80/20 rule. Oh sure, it may start off all wonderful, a bed of roses, good times. Eventually, your going to encounter some bumps in the road. That’s when you may wonder why you started over in the first place!
Then there is work. Necessary and often evil…. work. Doesn’t matter where, there is often stress, at least there is for me. I think the only job I did not feel a huge amount of stress working was retail – when I worked at Woolworth and Children’s Palace. Back in the day we stocked shelves, helped customers, rang register, and unloaded trucks. We moved fast because we wanted to, but I don’t remember having to. I don’t remember having a particular quota that needed to be done in an hour in order to be considered a good employee. I don’t know how retail is today, but I often think – I want to go back to retail. I LOVED my retail jobs, I enjoyed the people I worked with, enjoyed interacting with the customers, and the fast pace made the time go by quickly. I didn’t bring work home with me, and I had time to enjoy my non-work life too. I don’t know if such fun exists today in retail, or if it has been squelched by sales quotas, stocking quotas, cleaning quotas. I’ve thought about it, and I decided I’m afraid to find out! What if I decided to go back to retail (and I would need to be in some type of supervisor position to make money that would help with the bills), only to find out it is as stressful as the job I have today? Good thing I thought that through! I bet I would have less paid vacation days too! So I spent time (a couple of years actually), thinking about what I want to be when I grow up. I determined that what I want to do is help people. I want to help people feel better, and help them locate the joy in their lives. I have trained to be a life coach; something I thoroughly enjoy. I fully expect to continue to earn money as a life coach. The cool thing is that I recently realized that I don’t have to have everything done and perfect before I can work as a life coach. I realized I can be a life coach now while I continue to work my full time job. The trick was that I needed to set boundaries at my full time job, and I needed to teach myself to not let the crazy of my day make, the annoyance of others, and the stress of too much to do in not enough time make me sick, tired and miserable. It’s been quite the journey, and I’m in a better place today than I was even one year ago. Today, I work in Corporate America, and I am a Life Coach, and one of the best clients I have is myself.
I’m glad I didn’t walk away from what I have, I’m glad I didn’t cross over to the other side of the fence. As you can see, the grass wasn’t greener on that side of the fence for me. Maybe it won’t really be greener for you either; just give yourself a little time to think it through before you hop over the fence. ~ debbie
